WARNING: this is some deep stuff.
I've been in a state of deep pain for the past 5 days.
Last Thursday, we went to the doctor. She did another ultrasound and found a little tiny sack, only about 5 weeks in size, not 6 like it was supposed to be.
She was very concerned that she could not find a heartbeat. Just silence.....
So, she said "maybe you are a week earlier than we thought! But then again, the baby could have stopped developing a week ago, so we'll do some blood tests and see you in one week to check for a bigger baby and a heartbeat."
WHAT?!
I cried all night. I didn't go to work the next day. My life was over. I have to wait a whole week to get an answer and it could be very bad. I've been trying to stay calm but I keep having outbursts of anger, crying and screaming. I couldn't believe it. My family has been convincing me that everything is fine, I'm just 6 weeks pregnant, not 7. It kinda makes sense I guess cause I still have barely any symptoms. But then, so does the other possibility.
I'm praying and praying and hoping and pleading. God please don't let this baby die. Do you know how hard it is to go an entire week wondering what's going on inside you? There could be a DEAD BODY in me!!!
Sometimes I think everything is fine. Sometimes I feel like I know I will hear that heartbeat on Thursday. Other times I feel like it's over, and I can't stop crying.
I have two more days to go. It's sooooo difficult.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Wow. I could not care less. I don't want any presents, no cake, nothing. I don't want any christmas presents either, just give me a healthy baby, please. That's all I want. I think God is trying to teach me to be thankful, and to be patient. Because I was so angry and sad, and ungrateful before last Thursday. I was jealous, I was more worried about missing Star Wars Celebration V.
But now I know if we get good news on Thursday, nothing else matters. Celebration V means nothing to me. I would give up everything I have just to know I have a healthy baby.
So now I wait.....
PLEASE pray for me. Let the force be with me.
I hope to be returning in 2 days with Good news.

Hello!
So, we had our first ultrasound yesterday. All we saw was an itty bitty tiny "amniotic sack" that holds the baby. The embryo is the size of bean right now.
I still don't feel sick....just kinda dizzy. But today I am SOOOOO tired. I can't remember the last time I was this tired! I'm completely out of energy. I'm falling asleep at work! UGH! And I've been sooo irritated by everything. I'm so angry all the time, its awful!
So, I hate my job. It's been going downhill for about a month. I'm a nanny. She doesn't care at all...she made me stay really late the other day when we were supposed to get our christmas tree. She keeps changing things, and the baby is turning into a little brat. She's crying about everything, won't take her naps, is super clingy to mom. It's just awful. And when their other daughter is here, it's 10 times worse....super chaotic, everyone's throwing tauntrums. My children will NOT be raised like this.
Anyway, she knows I'm pregnant now and I don't think she's happy. I'm very scared. I can't handle another day of this. I don't even have the energy to do it.
I'm looking for a new job....but it's impossible. I don't know what job a pregnant woman can do! I'm applying everywhere, trying to get an office job or something, but I never even get a call back! No where wants to hire people, especially not a pregnant woman.
So, I think I will be out of a job very soon, and I'm afraid of how Dan and I will pay the bills. I wish it was July so I could just have the baby and move back to Simi Valley.
Well, I go back to the doctor today to get all my blood tests. Hooray. I'm sure I'll pass out. I hate giving blood, it's one of my biggest fears!